When we think about the people we most admire, typically they are kind and honest, have respect for others and things, are independent, but take appropriate risks, are confident but not overly so, and certainly not entitled. They are hard-working yet find balance with their personal life, they are creative, critical thinkers, and problem solvers.
I think most of us would like to have people see us this way and most of us would like to have our children evolve into adults with these characteristics.
How do we help that happen? We teach our children these skills early and often. When we don’t, the opposite is more likely to happen: Children evolve into adults with little to no empathy, who are disrespectful, dependent, fearful, and entitled. Adults who lack creative and critical thought with little ability to problem solve.
This is certainly not the kind of person I would want as an employee, a boss or a partner. It is not the kind of person I would want to be or would want my children to be.
I will admit, raising kids is hard. Parenting is hard. Being a teacher is hard. But putting something off today because it is hard does not bring gain later.
We all know that tackling something early at work leads to profits later, financial or emotional. Waiting can lead to significant headaches. Whether it is a supply chain or maintenance issue, a disgruntled employee, or an unhappy customer, waiting to fix the problem makes it bigger, more expensive, and more emotionally draining.
Parenting is much the same. Teaching children the value of “No” when they are young is far easier than when they are older and bigger. It is easier to tell a 5-year-old he can’t have a brownie at 5 pm than it is to tell a 16-year-old he can’t have the car on Saturday night. If the teen had become accustomed to the value of “No” at 5, then he has the emotional tools to respect the value of “No” and the person delivering the “No” much more easily at 16.
In other words, children need limits. Limits can be achieved by giving children what they NEED not what they WANT. We all WANT a lot of things. As adults, we understand that many, if not most, of our wants will go unsatisfied. We learned this hard lesson as children so it is significantly easier to swallow as adults.
We want to have a wonderful career? We need to work hard and put in the hours. We want to go to an Ivy League college? We need to study hard and earn As. We want to play a sport in college, we need to practice, a lot. What we want means a goal, but achieving a goal is always hard work. When we don’t teach children about what they NEED to do, then we set them up for unrealistic and unachievable goals.
Further, this makes for a sense of entitlement instead of a sense of responsibility. When we think about the people we admire most in this world, they are not entitled. Being entitled is off-putting and distasteful to those around them. Those who are entitled do not make good leaders, good employees, or good life partners. We are doing children a great disservice when we do not give them limits. Instead, it gives them a sense of entitlement.
Limits include a schedule. Biologically, the brain craves a schedule because it provides a sense of safety through predictability. But a schedule also provides a sense of rhythm, patterning and sequencing, all things children need to help them develop language and prepare them for reading and math. Read more on schedules here.
Schedules include regular meal times and regular bedtimes. Grazing all day long sets children up for health issues and significant weight gain. Just 3 snacks a day can add up to 600 additional calories which is a lot on a little body. Keep in mind this is about half of the calories a child should consume each day. And believe it or not, children who are offered a meal and refuse it because they claim they don’t like it will eventually eat what is offered as long as snacks don’t fill them up instead. When they know they can get carb-loaded Goldfish or a sugar-packed yogurt moments before or after a meal, it will be that much harder to help them develop a taste for foods that are actually fuel for their bodies and brains.
Children need a regular and appropriate bedtime. When children do not have adequate sleep, they spend the next day irritable, anxious, and inattentive. This makes acceptable behavior unavailable and school much harder than it needs to be while simultaneously making his day miserable.
Technology is a great example of a child’s WANTS, not NEEDS. If we needed technology in order to grow up to be functioning adults then a lot of us operating in the world today would be inappropriately nonfunctioning because the extent of our technology consisted of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots” and the mechanisms that ran Thunder Wheels.
Technology does not teach children vital adulting skills like self-reliance, fairness, leadership, or how to be a follower. It doesn’t teach how to interpret body language or verbal and non-verbal cues. It can’t teach sharing, negotiating or problem-solving. It doesn’t equip us with skills like assertiveness or boundary setting, self-control, goal setting, or how to lose. It doesn’t prepare us for risk-taking, conflict resolution, empathy, compassion, independence, or behavior control. But these skills are critical for adult success both personally and professionally. If we adults are interviewing potential employees, we would want them to have these skills or our businesses will flounder. If we were wooing a potential mate, we would want them to have these skills. Technology does not support or teach these skills.
Further, technology keeps children from being bored, but they should be bored. Boredom is the mother of creativity. So technology should not be used as a babysitter or a boredom cure. Ever. Technology should be left at home on car rides, trips to the grocery store, or in the mall. This allows children’s minds to wander so they can take in the sights and sounds around them and flex their creative muscles. When kids say something is boring it is because this boredom muscle has not been worked out enough. If we want creative thinkers as adults, then we need to start that creative thinking early. With boredom.
When we think of adults we admire, they are likely those who act independently in their thinking and actions. This starts with self-care at an early age. By taking care of themselves, children develop independence, which builds their confidence. Believe me, a 4-year-old can put things into his own backpack and carry it. A 3-year-old can go up and down the stairs himself and can brush his own teeth. A 2-year-old can pick up something he drops on the floor and put toys away. It may be messy, and it may take a little longer than we would like, but they can do a lot and should be given age-appropriate tasks.
Setting limits and creating boundaries leads to respect for people and things. This too starts early. Sadly, too much time on technology, too little time receiving emotional support from adults, and too little time being bored have contributed to a dearth of these skills. Of late, I have experienced and seen more children who lack these skills than ever before, including violent refusals to participate in self-care or to follow directions, children who rifle through teachers’ personal belongings, hit their teachers, tell their teachers they are going to kill them and shoot finger guns at their teachers. I am not talking about teens, I am talking about preschoolers and this is unacceptable.
Who carries the responsibility for this? Adults. And parents carry just as much responsibility as teachers. At home, parents must set limits, enforce boundaries and demand respect from their young children.
How?
- Set a schedule and post it in the kitchen so children understand when they go to school, when they have a snack or eat dinner, when they have a bath and go to bed. Placing an analog clock near the schedule and pictures of where the hands need to be on the clock for each scheduled event will help children understand time and learn how to wait.
- Remind children to always greet adults, say please and thank you. These are just words and they are free, but they are priceless in spreading feelings of goodwill and community.
- Insist that children respect people and things. They do not yell at or punch a teacher any more than they would another child, they respect an adult’s personal items, they do not purposefully break things. All children will test the limits on this, but once and only once at any age is that acceptable. They will continue with this behavior if they are not corrected and the longer we wait to correct it the harder it is to fix.
- Be a role model. When adults put technology away we are emotionally available to children. We also show them that we don’t need technology as a crutch any more than they do. When we have dinner together, at a set time, when we greet other adults, say please and thank you, and show respect for things, we show that these are important skills and strategies.
- Do not do things for children that they can do for themselves or you may be doing their laundry and cleaning their rooms for them when they are in college and nothing good comes out of that. Start now. From opening a lunchbox to picking up their toys, these are jobs children can do independently.
Let’s not kid ourselves, Covid quarantine and restrictions were hard. For parents of younger children, it was a time when holding on to a job while having children at home all day with limited resources or outlets for them was an untenable situation. Any parent who survived that, who kept their job and their families intact deserves to be applauded.
But thankfully, the worst is over, and we are back to living mostly normal lives. This means children need to be held accountable for their actions, supported in their emotional growth, and given independence but expected to adhere to boundaries. This is how good communities are built. And the adults play an integral role. All adults.
The Emotionally Unhealthy Child
From Victoria Prooday, internationally-known educator, motivational speaker and a popular blogger on modern-day parenting and high-tech lifestyle’s impact on a child nervous system.
Today’s children are being deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood, such as:
- Emotionally available parents
- Clearly defined limits and guidance
- Responsibilities
- Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
- Movement and outdoors
- Creative play, social interaction, opportunities for unstructured times and boredom
Body Awareness: Where Am I, What Am I Doing?
Understanding what the body can do and how to use it are vital for classroom success. Learn how Body Awareness plays a role in this understanding and how big body physical play, which is free and easy, can make the difference in the classroom and beyond.
If Broccoli Were a Cookie: Recipes to Expand Kids’ Palates One Teaspoon at a Time
Preschoolers are notorious for saying “YUCK!” to new foods, but that doesn’t mean they might not like getting messy making something new and in the end tasting their handiwork. If Broccoli Were a Cookie is a collection of recipes that have been successfully replicated with hundreds of picky preschoolers. Incorporating math, language, science and social studies, we share our tips and tricks to engage young minds and small hands in the magical art of cooking.
Article: Learning Boundaries Through Physical Experiences
Interview: Why Movement Is So Important for Children’s Brain Development
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